Some foods are bad for you. You should never eat anything that is bad for you. Everything you eat should provide nothing but nutritional excellence. Sadly, our system makes it really hard to tell which foods provide nutritional excellence and which ones will cause you to suffer a slow and painful death, followed by an eternity writhing in the bowels of hell as punishment for your poor food choices. That’s where I, a person with next to no medical training (I did do a few years studying pre health care in undergrad before determining I don’t want to work in the medical field, though) come in to tell you what is and isn’t safe to eat, so that you might live for eternity and look like a supermodel the whole time, because everyone knows that if you just eat perfectly nothing bad can ever happen to you, and you will always look super hot. Like a vampire.

So I won’t make you wait any longer. Here are five foods you should never, under any circumstances, ever eat.